On turning 50 & lessons learned

I was 26 years old when my mother died of cancer at age 50. In the aftermath of her passing and fearful of the limited time I might have, I learned to value each moment. I tried to fit as much as possible into each year. Now as I reach the half century point of my life on January 17 I am grateful for the adventure God has granted me.

The journey did not come without turbulence and challenges, but the dark days did not swallow me.  I am alive, and I feel even more alive because I am not afraid of death. Yes, I have a growing list of what I would like to do and I certainly need more time to try to do it all, but I embrace each day as it comes.

A half-century of stumbles and falls amidst the joys and exhilarating surprises provide for some lessons learned. 1. Be grateful. 2. Don’t take anything for granted, especially people. 3. Don’t be afraid.

There are not enough words to enumerate all I am grateful for in my days. When my daughter was younger, we played a game to see who could list the most blessings in our day. What a joy to see how endless the list became. Principal on my list each day are the people in my life, namely my husband, son and daughter along with my friends who inspire me forward by their words of wisdom, encouragement and example. I am also grateful for the capacity to love and to count myself as a lifelong learner, a citizen of the world with a growing curiosity about everything before me.

While I am not thrilled with some of the physical changes that come with aging – the added weight, new wrinkles and greys, I am thankful that with age comes wisdom, a greater awareness of what matters. In Proverbs 3:13 we read, “Happy the one who finds wisdom, the one who gains understanding!” This wisdom helps us prioritize what’s important in our lives. It teaches us not to take anything for granted.  This helps me live in the moment, being present to people, recognizing that it’s not about me, but about serving others.

It also means we can’t take our health for granted. We can’t stop the aging process, but we can take steps to eat healthier and exercise. Carmen Tafolla, the Poet Laureate for Texas, wrote an open letter to the people in San Antonio when she was diagnosed with cancer urging people to take steps to stay healthy. We take extreme measures to fight cancer once it is diagnosed. Why not take action aimed at prevention? 

Wisdom, which comes from trusting God, helps us let go of our fears. Childhood experiences created a river of fears in me which have taken this half-century to overcome. How refreshing to leave those fears behind, to accept who I am with all my imperfections. Surrendering to the Lord makes the journey less worrisome. Yes, we may stumble along the way. There will be espinitas, but it is part of the growing. Not only am learning to speak up for my beliefs, these days I am more motivated to try something new, especially if it scares me. In 2015, I wrote about one such moment when fear prompted me to accept an invitation to turn some of my poems about my mother into a short play.

Letting go of fear has been part of my faith journey. I have stopped worrying about how many more tomorrows wait. I start this New Year and new chapter ready with anticipation for what comes next, ready to say “yes” to God’s calling. I realize, as St. Ignatius of Loyola notes in his spiritual exercises, I am a work in progress. I also know death does not have the last word. As I wrote in my death poem, “La muerte no triunfa” – “We don’t know when / the ink will dry in our hands, / when the words will stop / mid breath. But we know the hour / will come, the hour for our story’s last page.” In the meantime, I pray my days be an offering and that they may be pleasing to God.