I was 26 years old when my mother died of cancer at age
50. In the aftermath of her passing and fearful of the limited time I might
have, I learned to value each moment. I tried to fit as much as possible into
each year. Now as I reach the half century point of my life on January 17 I am
grateful for the adventure God has granted me.
The journey did not come without turbulence and
challenges, but the dark days did not swallow me. I am alive, and I feel even more alive
because I am not afraid of death. Yes, I have a growing list of what I would
like to do and I certainly need more time to try to do it all, but I embrace
each day as it comes.
A half-century of stumbles and falls amidst the joys and
exhilarating surprises provide for some lessons learned. 1. Be grateful. 2.
Don’t take anything for granted, especially people. 3. Don’t be afraid.
There are not enough words to enumerate all I am
grateful for in my days. When my daughter was younger, we played a game to see
who could list the most blessings in our day. What a joy to see how endless the
list became. Principal on my list each day are the people in my life, namely my
husband, son and daughter along with my friends who inspire me forward by their
words of wisdom, encouragement and example. I am also grateful for the capacity
to love and to count myself as a lifelong learner, a citizen of the world with
a growing curiosity about everything before me.
While I am not thrilled with some of the physical
changes that come with aging – the added weight, new wrinkles and greys, I am
thankful that with age comes wisdom, a greater awareness of what matters. In
Proverbs 3:13 we read, “Happy the one who finds wisdom, the one who gains
understanding!” This wisdom helps us prioritize what’s important in our lives.
It teaches us not to take anything for granted.
This helps me live in the moment, being present to people, recognizing
that it’s not about me, but about serving others.
It also means we can’t take our health for granted. We
can’t stop the aging process, but we can take steps to eat healthier and
exercise. Carmen Tafolla, the Poet Laureate for Texas, wrote an open letter to
the people in San Antonio when she was diagnosed with cancer urging people to
take steps to stay healthy. We take extreme measures to fight cancer once it is
diagnosed. Why not take action aimed at prevention?
Wisdom, which comes from trusting God, helps us let go
of our fears. Childhood experiences created a river of fears in me which have
taken this half-century to overcome. How refreshing to leave those fears
behind, to accept who I am with all my imperfections. Surrendering to the Lord
makes the journey less worrisome. Yes, we may stumble along the way. There will
be espinitas, but it is part of the growing. Not only am learning to speak up
for my beliefs, these days I am more motivated to try something new, especially
if it scares me. In 2015, I wrote about one such moment when fear prompted me
to accept an invitation to turn some of my poems about my mother into a short
play.
Letting go of fear has been part of my faith journey. I have stopped
worrying about how many more tomorrows wait. I start this New Year and new
chapter ready with anticipation for what comes next, ready to say “yes” to
God’s calling. I realize, as St. Ignatius of Loyola notes in his spiritual
exercises, I am a work in progress. I also know death does not have the last
word. As I wrote in my death poem, “La muerte no triunfa” – “We don’t
know when / the ink will dry in our hands, / when the words will stop / mid
breath. But we know the hour / will come, the hour for our story’s last page.”
In the meantime, I pray my days be an offering and that they may be pleasing to
God.
