What death brings with our goodbyes

My father died a year ago at 79 and most recently my father-in-law who was 89 died on Aug. 20. Several co-workers have also suffered the loss of a loved one this past year. We have become too familiar with one of the seven corporal works of mercy, that of burying the dead.

Each of us is walking a different grief journey, but we do not walk alone. With each funeral I attend I become more cognizant of the graces that come from each part of the funeral ritual. I have come to understand the beauty inherent in each funeral. I confess I was surprised when I first heard someone describe a funeral as beautiful. How could an occasion tied to death and grieving be beautiful? Is it the flowers, the music, the readings, the eulogies? It is and so much more.

Death comes entwined with multifaceted layers as we grieve the loss of someone we loved, a mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, child. It is a good bye to the person we loved as they “leave the body and go home to the Lord” (2 Cor 5:8). Tears flood us, memories emerge, and in the midst of our grief, some of us still shocked and numb, we are surrounded by family and friends who help us find space to celebrate. Together we celebrate life, the gift of the one we loved in our lives and the life God has given to each of us.

In preparation for my father-in-law’s funeral, we gathered photos for a slideshow. The photos streamed forth with images of a life well lived. As the patriarch, his legacy is marked by a strong work ethic and unwavering love and commitment to his wife of 64 years, his five children (all adults and married now), 12 grandchildren and seven great grandchildren. From teaching his grandchildren how to ride a bike or keeping them busy with wood projects, he devoted countless hours making sure not to miss any milestones. Even those of us who married into the family came to see him as a second father. He was a constant presence in each of our lives. So as we cried, we also celebrated what he gave to the world.

Additionally, death makes us pause, reminds us of our pilgrim status. It is a reminder of our mortality, our “memento mori,” Latin for “remember that you have to die.” More than a reminder, it should shake us to ask ourselves “how we are living our own life. What will be our legacy?”

After my father died, I was overwhelmed by the number of people who took the time to accompany our family for the funeral services. To this day I am most thankful for each person who was present in some way – each hug, prayer, condolence card, meal, flowers, phone call. Your kindness will always be remembered.

As the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops notes, “Funerals give us the opportunity to grieve and show others support during difficult times.  Through our prayers and actions during these times we show our respect for life, which is always a gift from God, and comfort to those who mourn.”

How beautiful that we do not walk alone. God is present every step of the way. Family and friends too give us strength as we deal with death. The presence of the people in our lives who pause from their own day-to-day commitments to accompany us on our journey brings light to darkness. This as well is cause for celebration, as it gives us hope for the days ahead.

Lydia Pesina from our Family Life Office gave me a journal a year ago, “The New Day Journal: A journey from grief to healing” by Mauryeen O’Brian, which has been most helpful. After the loss of Lydia’s mother, and later her brother, we met together over the course of a year with another friend to work through what the book refers to as the “four tasks of mourning.” While we know that death is not the end and we have hope in the resurrection, death for those of us who remain is painful.

Death can also be a transformative experience. My mother’s death more than 20 years ago instilled in me the urgency of living each moment as a gift. Each death that has followed emphasizes the lesson. Each life we celebrate at each funeral reminds us life is a gift, a gift we have to honor by living it the best we can. Pope Francis, in this Year of Mercy, prompts us to live it the best we can serving others.

Death brings us bitter-sweet moments. I have found it is most helpful to count my blessings daily. It is important as well to be there for family and friends who experience a loss. As we journey together, I know in time, grief and darkness will loosen its grip and light will fill our days.

St. Augustine prayed, “There are days…when our lives have no music in them and our hearts are lonely, and our souls have lost their courage. Flood the path with light, we beseech thee Lord. Turn our eyes to where the heavens are full of promise.”

(Originally published in September 2016 edition of The Valley Catholic newspaper) 

We do not walk alone on the journey

Rosa Valencia
1959 - 2015

We never know how a person we meet will impact our lives. Unfortunately sometimes it takes a death to make us reflect on the particular encounters and what they meant.

The month of August came with great loss. My father passed way after a four-month health struggle. While our faith assures us he is in a better place, we are still dealing with the loss for which we were not prepared. It will take some time before I can write about this part of the journey and the significance my father had in my life.

In August, another death took a friend and mentor. The Rio Grande Valley lost an astute business women who was guided by her faith in God. Rosa Valencia, who lived life boldly, always speaking up for herself and for others, died after a long battle with cancer at the age of 55.

As the founder and president of Homes of America, a successful manufactured home retail company, Rosa epitomized how a person with determination could accomplish her goals. She crossed into the United States as an immigrant when she was 19 years old, learned to speak English and worked three jobs to pay for her studies at St. Edward’s University in Austin, where she earned her Bachelor’s Degree in Business Administration and Management.

Rosa came to the United States with three goals. She wanted to be the first in her family to earn a college degree; second, to provide financial support for her parents; and third, provide jobs for people like herself. She accomplished all three and went beyond.

Pope Francis reminds us often about the encounter, about the people we meet and the moments we share. On my pilgrimage, I have been graced with people who have mentored me at different points of my journey. Seventeen years ago I met Rosa on a pilgrimage to the Marian Shrines in Europe. I was inspired by the unwavering faith of the women on this pilgrimage. Rosa was among them. As an introvert who tends toward the reserved in my own approach to life, I admired Rosa’s boldness in everything she did, even how she said her name – RRRRRRRooooooosA.  

Rosa introduced me to St. Teresa of Avila and St. Therese of Lisieux. I still have a book she gave me about the Little Flower, “The Story of a Soul.”  She told me when we were Avila to pay attention to the scent of roses, their fragrance a possible indicator the saints or the Blessed Virgin Mary have heard your prayer.

In my estimation, mentors are important. You learn from the personal encounter what can’t always be transmitted through books or university classrooms. Mentors help us see some of our blind spots, they share the knowledge of their experience, shed light on territory that may be new to us. Their example can also reinforce what we know to be true.

Among the lessons we can all learn from Rosa: 1. Share your faith without apology. 2. Live joyfully. 3. Be bold, speak your mind, otherwise you won’t be heard. 4. Strive for excellence. 5. Be available for others. We are here to serve.

Few know that while she was receiving treatment at M.D. Anderson, Rosa went to daily Mass when her health permitted, and after Mass she hand washed the altar linens. Even in illness she found ways to serve the Lord.

Through her business acumen and strong work ethic, Rose ran a successful business. She knew what she wanted in life and pursued it tirelessly. She did not apologize for insisting on the best from herself and her employees. “Top of the line, first class,” she would say. Rosa did not accept mediocrity.

Knowing she managed a large team, I asked for her advice on motivating and management. She said it starts with empowering people to do what is expected and then holding them accountable. Her advice at other times gave me the courage to start new projects. Thanks to her guidance, we added a roundtable segment on Diocese Insight to address women’s issues.

Anyone who spent time with Rosa, knows she was passionate about life. Her smile and energy were contagious. Rosa desfruto de su vida. She lived the joy of the Gospel, no matter the situation. She often recited her favorite prayer from St. Teresa of Avila, “Nada te turbe, nada te espante, todo se pasa. … Quien a Dios tiene nada le falta. ¡Sólo Dios basta!” (Let nothing disturb you, let nothing frighten you, all things are passing away. … Whoever has God lacks nothing; God alone suffices.)

Even as she favored the dramatic, she humbled herself before the Lord, and credited him for her success. In a 2007 article in McNews magazine she said, “It’s not me. It’s all through his mercy and hard work. I better never forget who is the real boss!”

She said, “It does not matter how financially successful you are, do not let power and money own you... Give credit where credit is due and always show an attitude of gratefulness. The Bible says that to whom much has been given, much is expected (Luke 12:48).”

Rosa supported her Church and her community.  For 19 years she served as a lector and an extraordinary minister of Holy Communion at the Basilica of Our Lady of San Juan del Valle – National Shrine. She was most kind and generous to the religious sisters in her life. She cared for them selflessly like a mother hen. She referred to them as “spiritual mothers” for the work they do in God’s vineyard. She reminded me often to make sure to acknowledge them at Mother’s Day.

Bishop Daniel E. Flores has said, “The Christian life is about being attentive to the person we’re with, attentive to the way we’re called upon to respond to their need, or them to our need. Estamos caminando juntos. We are walking together on this road.”

I am grateful that we do not walk alone. Just as Rosa was attentive to the people in her life, I pray that my own alertness to each encounter will grow.  I am grateful for Rosa’s example.  She lived life on a grand scale, her days filled with joy in service to others. May she rest in peace. 

(Originally published in September 2015 edition of The Valley Catholic newspaper)